

Class '“P ^ ^ 

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COPYRIGHT DEPOSITS 


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The Perkinses 



The Perkinses 


By 

Grace B. Porter 

h 




New York 

Rand McNally & Co. 
1912 


■ ^ 


Copyrififht, 1912. 

By 

GRACE B. PORTER 


ILLUSTRATIONS 


** There* s nothin* so got durn 
still as that turrubul still- 
ness jest after you’ve hed 
a few words.” . . . . 

There’s nothin’ like knowin’ 
when to git out.” . . . 

There’s nothin’ that will take 
the fight out o’ you so 
quick as a purty smile.” . 


Facing 

Page 

5 

21 


29 



Dedicated lovingly to my com- 
panions of the summer spent 
in an out of the way spot in 
Massachusetts where we 
learned to know and love 
**The Perkinses*' in real life. 
They taught us many great 
truths, in their simple way, 
and showed us, by their every 
day life, that Love will wipe 
out all discord. G. B. P. 




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There’s nothin’ so gol durn still as that turrubul stillness jest after you’ve had a few words. 






The Perkinses 



ARTHY an’ me hes 


been married goin’ on 
fifty years now. When 


you jest set down an’ think ’bout 
it, why, fifty years seems like 
an all-fired long time, but when 
you’re joggin’ ’long, peaceful- 
like, the way Marthy an’ me hes, 
why, you don’t take no notice 
o’ the years, an’ it don’t seem 
no time ’tall. 

Of course we’ve hed our ups 
an’ downs the way all folks hev, 
but there ain’t never been any- 
thing serious come up twixt us — 


5 


THE PERKINSES 


’less ’twus that time I got it 
into my head that Marthy was 
neglectin’ me fer her church 
business. 

I sartinly did git riled up 
that winter, an’ we hed a reg’lar 
“set to” over it. 

I ain’t no feller fer church my- 
self, but I hold as how every 
one hes a right to his own con- 
victions, so I ain’t never opposed 
Marthy goin’ to church all she 
wanted to; I see it made her 
happy to be mixed up in the 
doin’s an’ one thing an ’nother, 
an’ I ’lowed as how a woman’s 
goin’ to be mixed up in some- 
thin’ anyhow, an’ it might as 
well be church as some other 


6 


THE PERKINSES 


old thing that mebby would be 
worse. I’ve even stood fer some 
o’ them preachers they’ve hed, 
an’ hev’ done my durndest to 
treat ’em right when Marthy 
hes invited ’em in to supper one 
time an’ ’nother, but I’ll hev to 
’fess up I alius did a leetle extry 
cussin’ all to myself when I got 
out to the barn. The palaverin’ 
ways o’ them fellers jest kind o’ 
riled me up like, but, as I say, 
I tried to treat ’em decent fer 
Marthy’s sake, ’cept when they 
took to talkin’ religion to me, 
then I gin’ rally hed to open up 
on ’em a leetle, while poor 
Marthy would be settin’ there 
makin’ me signs to let up, an’ 


7 


THE PERKINSES 


kickin’ me under the table, 
afeard I’d be sayin’ somethin’ 
to hurt their feelin’s. 

But the perticular winter I 
wus speakin’ of things got to sech 
a pass that there wa’n’t no 
standin’ it. Marthy got so all- 
fired busy goin’ to her church 
meetin’s, an’ missionary societies 
an’ one thing an’ ’nother, that 
she didn’t hev time fer her home 
ur fer me. First ’twus the revival 
meetin’s, an’ Marthy didn’t miss 
a single settin’, an’ then the mis- 
sionary meetin’s started in, an’ 
all the women folks got together 
an’ sewed fer the heathen, while 
their poor husbands didn’t hev 
enough buttons on their clothes 


8 


THE PERKINSES 


to keep ’em from failin’ off; an’ 
then the sociables an’ donation 
parties that wus takin’ place 
’bout that time wus so frequent, 
that while all the good things wus 
bein’ trotted off to the preachers 
I wus puttin’ up with a cold 
lunch in the pantry. It jest 
seemed to run ’long that way 
most ’o the winter, an’ I hed 
spoke a few words regardin’ it on 
sev’ral occasions without hevin’ 
very much effect, an’ I wus gittin’ 
pretty clean sick of the hull gol 
durn bus’ness an’ hed ’bout made 
up my mind that if Marthy wus 
gittin’ so blamed interested in her 
church doin’s that she could’nt 
be thinkin’ of her husband, why 


9 


THE PERKINSES 


somethin’ wus goin’ to happen, 
an’ it happened all right, I’m 
here to tell you. 

One night I hed come in from 
haulin’ a leetle wood from the 
north timber: I’d been dreadin’ 
it, but I knew I hed it to do, so I 
jest picked out a pleasant day 
fer it, and buckled into it, but 
’long ’bout noon, a cold, nasty, 
drizzily leetle rain set in, an’ by 
the time I wus ready to quit I 
wus jest soaked right through to 
the skin, an’ I driv’ ’long home, 
shiverin’ like a wet dog — an’ my 
teeth chatterin’ jest so I could’nt 
hold ’em shet, but I kep’ hustlin’ 
the ol’ boss ’long, thinkin’ how 
I’d be home ’fore long, an’ be 


10 


THE PERKINSES 


toastin’ my ol’ bones ’fore a good 
crackin’ fire an’ hevin’ somethin’ 
hot in my stomach. But as I 
driv into the yard, I didn’t see 
no light, but I thought more’n 
likely Marthy hed jest stepped 
over to some o’ the neighbors 
an’ would be back in a minute, 
so I unhitched in the dark — mind 
you, never waitin’ to git a lan- 
tern, I wus that sick — then I 
went into the house, an’ — Judas 
Priest! it wus as cold as a bam — 
fires all out — an’ if I ever felt like 
cussin’ in my life, I felt like it 
then — an’ I dunno but I did cuss, 
jest a leetle — fact is, I’m purty 
sure I did — an’ I hold as how I 
wus jestified in doin’ sech — 


11 


THE PERKINSES 


cornin’ home there cold an’ jest 
as weak as a baby, an’ findin’ 
everybody gone an’ the house 
jest like an iceberg. 

Waal, I fumbled ’round, tryin’ 
to find a match, but, as usual, 
there wa’n’t none where they 
ought to ’ave been, an’ I hed to 
go stumblin’ ’round huntin’ fer 
’em. Waal, moseyin’ way 
through the hull house, I fin’ly 
did find one, an’ I struck the durn 
thing right on the wall, — right on 
Marthy’s bran’ new settin’ room 
paper — all gilt an’ stuff — I wus 
that mad — you don’t ketch me 
prowlin’ ’round huntin’ for any 
gol durn “Scratch my back” 
when I’m freezin’ to death. 


12 


THE PERKINSES 


Then I went stumblin’ ’round 
with that match in my hand, 
lookin’ fer a lamp. I never like 
to tackle the hangin’ lamp when 
I’m in a hurry — it’s sech a pesky 
nuisance any how — with all 
them glass things an’ “what 
nots” danglin’ an’ jinglin’. My 
match wus burnin’ clean out an’ 
I’ll be hanged if I could find a 
lamp. Looked on the leetle 
shelf in the kitchen that I put up 
jest on purpose fer lamps to set 
on in the day time, ’cause I 
remembered that wus the way 
my mother ust to do: — she hed a 
leetle shelf in the kitchen, all 
nice an’ clean, with nice white 
paper all scalloped, a hangin’ off 


13 


THE PERKINSES 


to make it look tidy, I s’pose, an’ 
then, all settin’ ’long in a row, 
wus the candles, so we’d know 
jest where to git ’em when we 
wanted ’em — but, waal, there 
wa’n’t no lamp on that shelf of 
oum, nothin’ but a lot o’ papers, 
advertisin’ things, that hed been 
thrown in, or somethin’ like 
that, so I hed to keep lookin’, 
an’ jest as the match was goin’ 
plum out, I spied a lamp settin’ 
in the pantry window. I grabbed 
it an’ lit it in a hurry, fingers 
burnin’ clean off. Now, do you 
’spose there wus a bit of oil in 
that lamp? Not a dum drop, as 
true as I’m settin’ here. Now, 
I wouldn’t like to be relatin’ to 


14 


THE PERKINSES 


you jest all I said ’bout that time. 
I sed things that won’t stand 
repeatin’, things that is reserved 
fer jest sech occasions as that one. 
Now it wa’n’t like Marthy to be 
neglectin’ her house this way — 
it wus jest that hlamed church 
business takin’ her mind all up; 
I’d been seein’ it right ’long. 

Waal, the only thing to do 
wus to fill the lamp, an’ 1 did fill 
it. I’m right here to tell you 
that I filled it so dum full that it 
didn’t need another fillin’ fer one 
while neither — fer I jest sozzled 
the hull place — an’ I knew I wus 
doin’ it, an’ I wus glad I wus 
doin’ it, I wus that riled up. I 
picked up that ol’ lamp an’ 


15 


THE PERKINSES 


moseyed ’long out into the 
kitchen, an’ there wus a note 
from Marthy, stickin’ up in the 
spout of the tea-kettle, where she 
knew I’d be sure to find it, an’ 
this wus what it said, “Gone to 
Brother Brigg’s Donation party.’’ 
Waal, that settled it fer me — 
right then an’ there I made up 
my mind that if things hed come 
to sech a pass that I couldn’t be 
hevin’ the comforts that I ought 
to hev in my own home, I’d be 
goin’ where I could hev ’em, an’ 
where I wus appreciated. 
Marthy could run to her Dona- 
tion Parties all she wanted to 
then, an’ if she got lonesome in 
the ol’ home all alone, she 


16 


THE PERKINSES 


wouldn’t hev no one but herself 
to blame. She’d let all this here 
church business come twixt her 
an’ her husband that hed pro- 
tected her an’ took care of her 
fer goin’ on fifty years, an’ now 
she must take the consequences. 
Now, us fellers in New England 
are down on this divorce busi- 
ness, an’ the furthest thing from 
my mind wus that, — but if 
Marthy wus goin’ to neglect me 
this way, then I held as ’twus 
better fer me to git away. So 
when Marthy come home that 
night so all-fired smart an’ talky, 
she got a mighty cool reception, 
I kin tell you. I jest kep’ readin’ 
my newspaper, an’ reading it. 


17 


THE PERKINSES 


never noticin’ as how it wus 
upside down, an’ that my spec- 
tacles wus up on my head, till 
Marthy told me ’bout it. Trust 
her fer noticin’ it. Never saw 
a woman that noticed sech leetle 
things as Marthy does. 

Waal, the next momin’ I wus 
jest as sot as ever on leavin’, 
an’, feeling’ ruther het up an’ 
upset, I thought I’d run over an’ 
hev a leetle conversation with 
Deacon Simmons. Now, me an’ 
the deacon ain’t got nothin’ in 
common as fer as religion goes, 
an’ we ain’t even discussed 
religion fer years; it’s one of them 
cases where argufyin’ is a waste 
of powder. I found out I couldn’t 


18 


THE PERKINSES 


convince the deacon, an’ he found 
out he couldn’t convince me, so 
we called it quits an’ shet up on 
the subject. 

Since we did that, we git ’long 
jest like brothers. Now, there’s 
a lot o’ fellers that’s got some- 
thin ’bout ’em you don’t like, an’ 
mebbe you’re always fight in’ 
’em ’bout it; but if you’ll jest 
furgit that one thing, an’ begin 
lookin’ round fer something good 
in ’em, why you’ll jest be sur- 
prised how many good p’ints 
that feller hes; an’ more’n likely 
you an’ him will git to be cronies; 
that’s the way it wus with me 
an’ the deacon, an’ there ain’t a 
feller I’d ruther go to when I’m 


19 


THE PERKINSES 


in a fix than the deacon. So 1 
right out an’ told him as how I 
wus calculatin’ on goin’ away 
an’ leavin’ Marthy; I could see 
right away as how it wus makin’ 
him feel bad that his ol’ friend 
wus driv to sech a pass, but he 
agreed with me as how Marthy 
wa’nt doing right by me, an’ 
as how mebbe a leetle spell o’ 
bein’ away from her would 
make her see the folly of her 
ways. He says, says he: 
“ More’n half the folks as thinks 
they wants a divorce jest need 
a leetle vacation; that’s all you 
need Amos — a leetle vacation.” 
He giv me a good long talk — 
no preachin’ ’bout it, jest a clean 


20 



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THE PERKINSES 


Straight talk, an’ I begun to soften 
down a leetle an’ I wan’t quite 
so sot on goin’ fer good as I hed 
been, an’ I begun to think that 
mebby his way wus better’n 
mine, an’ that a leetle vacation 
wus jest ’bout what I needed. 

So, after hevin’ this leetle talk 
with the deacon, I driv in to 
town, an’ rememberin’ Marthy 
hed told me to git a leetle sugar, 
I dropped into the store an’ 
bought that, an’ then, as if every- 
thin’ wus p’intin to my takin’ 
that leetle trip, I spied the nicest 
leetle basket with a cover on it, 
jest right fer me to carry my 
lunch in, travelin’; so buyin’ 
that, I started fer home, with 


21 


THE PERKINSES 


my mind all made up to hev a 
talk with Marthy an’ break the 
news to her ’bout my goin’. I 
made up my mind that I wus 
goin’ to come right out with the 
fac’s ’bout my goin’, an why I 
wus goin’, but I hed ’em all sugar 
coated, so she’d take ’em easy 
like. I driv into the yard 
whistlin’ a leetle tune — I alius 
whistle when there’s somethin’ 
on my mind. Waal, I driv right 
into the barn an’ unhitched the 
boss, an’ takin’ that leetle lunch 
basket an’ the sugar I’d brought 
from town, I meandered up to 
the house, beginnin’ to hev an 
awful heavy feelin’ in my heart 
’bout what I’d got to tell Marthy 


22 


THE PERKINSES 


in regard to goin’ away. But I 
went right in, jest as if nothin’ 
wus wrong, an’, bein’ sure to 
lay the lunch basket where she’d 
see it, I calls out; “Hello there, 
Marthy, supper ’most ready?” 
I see right away somethin’ hed 
gone wrong the way she wus 
fly in’ ’round there, takin’ up this 
thing an that, an’ puttin’ it down 
agin, an’ stirrin’ the Are ’an pilin’ 
on the wood, like she didn’t 
’xactly know what she wus 
’bout — an’ I says: “What’s the 
matter, Marthy?” ca’m like, 
thinkin’ mebby she’d burned a 
cake or somethin’ like that — but 
she jest looked at me, and 1 knew 
’twa’n’t no cake she’d burned. 


23 


THE PERKINSES 


I knew’ twus somethin’ I was 
in — but I couldn’t think of 
nothin’ I’d done; still, I didn’t 
know but there might be some- 
thin’, an’ I jes’ thought if I up’n 
told her all of a sudden ’bout my 
goin’ away, why, she’d be so 
sad like, at hevin’ me go, that 
she’d forgive me fer this other 
thing I must’ a done. So, in self- 
defense, I jest blurted right out, 
furgittin’ all ’bout the leetle sugar 
coated doses I’d been makin’ 
all the way home: “Marthy, 
I’ve got somethin’ to tell you. 
I’m goin’ away.” An’ she turns 
’round an’ gives me another of 
them looks an’ says: “Yes, Amos 
Perkins, I know you’re goin’ 


24 


THE PERKINSES 


away, without your tellin’ me 
’bout it; Deacon Simmons’s wife 
wus jest in, an’ she told me as 
how she hed overheard you 
talkin’ to the Deacon, an’ sup- 
posin’, of course, that I knew all 
’bout what you wus contempla- 
tin’ she jest put her bonnet right 
on an’ run over to enquire if she 
could be of any help to me, 
packin’ your trunk.” Things 
wus fly in’ ’round there at sixes 
an’ sevens, an’ seein’ it wa’n’t 
no time fer me to be ’round, I 
says ca’m like, jest as if nothin’ 
hed happened: “Waal, seein’ as 
supper ain’t ready. I’ll go an’ do 
the milkin’ So I lit my lantern 
an’ took the pails an’ started fer 


25 


THE PERKINSES 


the barn, but she says, fast like: 
“No use goin’ to do the milkin’ 
now, supper’ll be ready in a few 
minutes.” But I says: “Yes, I’ll 
go out to the barn an’ I’ll be in 
when supper’s ready.” I saw 
she wus gittin’ ’long purty well, 
but if I stayed there she might 
git started ag’in an’ I might git 
riled up, an’ no knowin’ what’d 
happen. So I got out — I’ve 
learned there’s nothin’ like 
knowin’ when to git out. 

Waal, I fooled ’round out in the 
barn, givin’ Marthy plenty o’ 
chance to git cooled off, an’ then 
I come back. She’d seen me 
cpmin’ an’ she’d took up the 
supper an’ wus puttin’ it on the 


26 


THE PERKINSES 


table, steamin’ hot an’ we set 
down. Nothin’ much wus said 
— purty quiet meal that one wus. 
You know there’s nothin’ quite 
so gol durn still as that turrubul 
stillness jest after you’ve hed a 
few words. I wan’t gittin’ the 
taste of anythin’ I et — I wus jest 
goin’ through the motions, an’ 
when I crossed my knife an’ fork 
an’ sot back in my chair, I wus 
gol durn glad it wus over. It 
seemed to be gittin’ quieter an’ 
quieter every minute, an’ I wus 
gittin’ turrubul nervous an’ felt 
as if ’twus wise fer me to git out 
ag’in; so, lookin’ at Marthy out 
o’ the corner of my eye, I jest 
took another leetle stroll out to 


27 


THE PERKINSES 


the barn an’ I hung ’round there 
doin’ a leetle o’ nothin’, till I 
well nigh friz. Then I jest 
bolstered up my courage and 
started back to the house, think- 
in’ as how if 1 must quarrel, I 
must, an’ there’s an end on’t. 
This made me feel powerful 
strong, an’ bangin’ the kitchen 
door shet behind me, I walked 
right through to the settin’ room, 
jest ready to hev it out with 
Marthy then an’ there. She 
wus settin’ there darnin’ my 
socks an’ lookin’ so domestic 
like an’ purty, in a clean, white 
apron an’ one o’ her best lace 
ties, that she never wears only 
to them meetin’s I wus tellin’ 


28 



“There’s nothin’ that will take the fight out o’ you so 
quick as a purty smile.’’ 



THE PERKINSES 


you ’bout. An’ there wus my 
slippers settin’ side by side down 
by the stove. They wus the ones 
that Marthy’s brother’s wife 
hed give me year ago last Christ- 
mas — but I don’t go much on 
slippers an’ all them durn fool 
things, an’ I never hed ’em on; 
but there they set jest waitin’ fer 
me, an’ my paper all open, an’ 
my specs on top of it. I see 
right off that Marthy wus over 
her tantrum an* wus fer makin’ 
up, but I wa’n’t so sure that I 
wanted to make up, feelin’ that 
the time hed come fer Amos 
Perkins to stand up fer his rights. 
There ain’t no tollin’ what the 
end would a’ been if Marthy 


29 


THE PERKINSES 


hedn’t looked up jest then an’ 
smiled one o’ them purty, coaxin’ 
smiles of hern. Do you know, 
that jest took the fight clean out 
o’ me, an’ I wus as meek as a 
kitten. There’s nothin’ that will 
take the fight out o’ you so quick 
as a purty smile. My throat 
began to bother me a leetle an’ I 
hed to cough considerable ’fore I 
could speak. Holdin’ her mend- 
ing up under the lamp so she 
could see a leetle better, an’ 
keepin’ right on workin’, she says: 
“What’s the matter Amos? I 
hope you ain’t goin’ to hev a 
return of your old throat trouble.’ ’ 
I says: “Oh, I guess it ain’t nothin’ 
much — it’s more’n likely from 


30 


THE PERKINSES 


gittin’ wet day ’fore yesterday.” 
Now there wus my chance to 
bring in ’bout cornin’ home to a 
cold house an’ hevin’ no one to 
take care o’ me, but somehow I 
didn’t hev the heart to do it, 
seein’ her settin’ there lookin’ so 
sweet and purty . Seems like ’ fore 
I knew it, I wus drawin’ off my 
boots an’ gittin’ into them slippers, 
an’ a’ feelin’ happier every 
minute. Marthy kep’ right on 
workin’, an’ I set back in my chair 
a lookin’ at her, an’ thinkin’ what 
a good woman she wus anyhow, 
takin’ everythin’ together. I 
’lowed to myself how it wus kind 
o’ aggravatin’ hevin’ some 
gossipin’ female come ’round an’ 


31 


THE PERKINSES 


tell you somethin’ ’bout your own 
husband that he ain’t told you 
fust, ’twa’n’t no wonder that she 
got so riled up, and hed such a 
tantrum over it. I realized how 
I ought to ’a told her fust, ’bout 
my goin’ away, without blabbin’ 
’round to the neighbors, an I 
wondered why I hedn’t; an’ I 
could see as how I wus turrubul 
tryin’, at times, an’ wus probably 
to blame fer her bein’ away 
from home so much. 

I jest set there an’ looked at 
her, an’ a mist begun to come 
’fore my eyes, an’ through it, I 
seemed to be seein’ Marthy as 
she wus nigh fifty years ago, 
when her an’ me wus jest mar- 


32 


THE PERKINSES 


ried; an’ I see the roses in her 
cheeks, an’ I see her lookin’ at 
me so mellow like, out of them 
big blue eyes o’ hern, an’ I seem 
to be bearin’ her singin’ low, .one 
o’ them purty leetle airs she ust 
to sing; an’ fore I knew what I 
wus doin’, I jest felt myself 
reachin’ right over to her an’ we 
wus huggin’ an’ kissin’ one ’nother 
like two young lovers, an’ I says; 
“Marthy, can you ever forgive 
me fer bein’ sech a fool as to be 
a misunderstandin’ you?” An’ 
then I out with it an’ told her 
all my grievances, an’ as how I 
hed been thinkin’ that she wus 
neglectin’ me an’ et cetera — She 
jest laughed an’ said: “Now 


33 


THE PERKINSES 


Amos Perkins, you jest stop 
bein’ so foolish, I’ll never leave 
you alone again; after this you 
jest go to the meetin’s with 
me.” — That didn’t sound very 
invitin’ to me, but Marthy alius 
hed that purty way about her, 
that you ’jest couldn’t refuse her, 
so I says: “Waal, we’ll talk that 
over while we’re away on our 
vacation.” Lookin’ up with that 
purty smile o’ hern, kind o’ shy 
like, she says: “Don’t you think 
you’ll hev to be gittin’ ’a bigger 
lunch basket Amos?” An’ I jest 
bent right down an’ kissed her 
an’ I says: “Yes, Marthy, we will 
git the biggest one they’ve got, 
fer that leetle one would never 
hold enough fer two.” 


34 



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